Chronicles of Chaos!
by Deadaleta
Summary: "This is a failed expiriment of a monster I tried to make in the first week of being without medication. If this gets to you, my ex-chancellor most likely was tired from having to surgically sew his toes back on once a day. It actually would have made a very effective monster, don't you think? -Zant." A follow-up to my fic, A Message to You. T for language and crude humor.
1. Oooeeii, Goes the Kitty!

**CHAPTER ONE of the Chronicles of CUTE MONSTERS! No, wait, Twilit Remlits! Hold on, no, wait... I've got it! Chronicles of Chaos! Yes, that is very creative, very creative indeed...**

**This is a(sort of) sequal to "A Message to You", except that it happens in the middle of a sequence of letters instead of an actual story with a plot, and the fanfic is still going. Basically, Link sent Zant a letter(he's dead btw), Zant somehow got it(Heaven delivers mail?) and replied, but also sent a letter to the Twilight Realm to have the chancellor send Link a little demon.**

**Well, here's this rushed piece of crap! ENJOY.**

**Again, Heaven has a postman?**

**000**

_Dear Zant,_

_My eyes are _rhombi_, not _rectangles_. Get it right! Also, I know that the Zora Armor has fish eyes, but I also know that it looks rediculous. I made sure write a letter telling Rutela that... Y'know, since it's her dead husband's fault. I really had no choice but to wear it, where as YOU had the choice to make your helmet not have fish eyes._

_And I WILL question your ruling capabilities because, for one thing, what kind of ruler does what others tell them to? Especially an obviously evil giant floating flaming red, yellow and black head that is going bald? For another thing, if you need medication in the first place, you aren't fit for the throne. No guys who are insane should be on the throne. And_

Link halts in his writing as a furious knocking pounds on his door, jumping and dragging a thick line across his new letter to the dead. He growls, stomping up to the entrance of his home.

"What now, postman?! Can't you see I'm busy writing letters to dead people again?! I have my own crazy to deal with, I don't need yours!" Mr. Postman starts digging through his pouch, telling him to wait a moment.

"Here! I forgot to give this to you! Oh, and the sender told me to do this..." Before Link could react, he gets a face full of... something. He didn't get a chance to see anything but a black flash of... something. Black and blue. And _fuzzy._

"Well, my business has concluded! ONWARD TO MAIL! Hoo heh hoo heh hoo heh..." And he runs off, doind a double flip has he jumps off of the platform. The black _thing _has decided to curl up on Link's head, leaving the young hero startled and frozen in place. He slowly lifts up his hand to scratch the back of his head in confusion, only to find a relatively thin and furry tail twitching away. He flinches as the small thing stretches, digging its claws into his head,

"Uh, ow! Okay, the postman delivers _living things as well? _Ugh, what are you, now..." He grabs the thing by its sides-plush and squishy, he notes-and hoists it off of his head, having to pull a little as it clings to his hair. He holds it out in front of him...

"Oh, you've _got _to be kidding me..." He takes the note attached to its paw and reads it aloud.

"This is a failed expiriment of a monster I tried to make in the first week of being without medication. If this gets to you, my ex-chancellor most likely was tired from having to surgically sew his toes back on once a day. It actually would have made a very effective monster, don't you think?

_-Zant."_

He looked at the back and almost screeched in fright.

_"P.S. This is what it was supposed to look like. Do you like it? It's basically our version of panthers on steroids. It's mixed with kargarok wings, and four shadow beast hands sticking out of its sides to act as another couple pairs of legs or leverage. As you can sea-oh, hold on a moment... Apparently, one of the angels up here says that the correct word is "see". Urf, after generations of using our own made up language-yes, we made our own language because we hated Hylians so much-your language has begun to slip from our tongues to die in a crippled heap on the floor._

_Anyways, the tail is tipped with a spearhead in the picture, but is just a needle on the actual being. It's teeth are also a lot smaller... as is everything else it's supposed to be. Unfortunately, my personal mad scientist had accidentally used the blended fairies instead of the mixed up monster DNA. Well, this particular thing is close enough to a tiny monster anyways. It's a Twilit Remlit, after all. Well, a strange hybrid of the sort. It goes crazy at the hour of twilight, so imagine the struggle we had back at the palace._

_Have fun!"_

_"Oooeeeii!"_

Link stared.

The _thing _stared back.

Link cocked his head to the side.

It kept staring at him.

Big. Freaking. Cyan. _Eyes._

What Link was staring at was basically adorableness animatized and painted black and blue. That's probably not a word, but I can't say personified because it's not a person. It's head was almost perfectly round, but with certain feline angles that made it almost squeeable. It's muzzle was short with the smile of a tiny kitten that was just fed its mother's milk. Its eyes were the most brilliant of cyan, with its pupils being the darkest shade of blue that you will ever mistake for being black.

It's nose was a cute little dark indigo button, lightly sniffing it's new owner's hand as he held it up. It blinked once, its ears twitching slightly.

Its ears were that of a dragon's, it seemed. They had a holes on each side of the outer part of the ear, just like those in a kargarocs wings, but round. They were incredible long and pointed, the tip ending in a sort of swirl... But it was covered in dark fur the color of a monster of twilight's skin, as was the rest of it.

It had tiny little paws and legs, only about three to four inches long in total, and a cutely pudgey body. Relatively lithe for its stature, but had the cutest little pudge on its belly. Speaking of its belly, it had the same runes on its stomach as the Twili when they were cursed into their previous bestial form. The runes stretched out around it, ending in an oval circling the entirety of its back.

Speaking of its back, it had a pair of black, translucent fairy wings that glowed slightly with an indigo hue that was also dark enough to appear black. The wings looked demonic, its tips being pointed and the edges covered in the same holes as its ears.

Its tail was jagged in a sort of lightening bolt pattern and fuzzy, ending in the needle point that Zant mentioned. The tail was about a foot and a half long, the needle being another half foot. Its body altogether was about a foot in length, and three fourths of a foot in height.

It was tiny.

It was adorable!

It was... gnawing on Link's hat with its razor sharp cat-like teeth after it escaped its grip while he was mesmerized by the oddity of the situation and the being before him. He sighed, then twirled around, swiping the thing from the air and holding it still as it struggled comically in his grasp. Hugging it to his chest, he grasped the note again.

"C'mon, there's gotta be more info on this twilit fairy-kitten thingy..." At that moment, the note unfolded on its own. Conveniece concieved! "Oookay. Let's see here..." And then it unfolded again. His head tilted to the side as it unfolded once more, and then another time, and another, until it was a full sheet of paper.

_"Feed it with fish, bugs, and biscuits. Give it chocolateless bits of sugar cookies for treats-chocolate is poison to him. Keep it away from any live animals unless you want said animals to die, for it will try to play with them, resulting in them as a pile of ashes or mangled flesh._

_Because of its short fur, it does not need to be combed or bathed often. One bath every week and brushing every other week should suffice. To clean its mouth... just have it eat breath mints. It's not worth it. Make sure to be gentle on the wings-he can manipulate particles on a molecular level to shock people, and if you're too rough with the wings, he'll electricute you to a crisp._

_If there is any way you can do it, declaw the sucker. When free to scratch, those things are three full inches long. Yes, the retract that deep. Therefore, instead of being claw shaped, they are more like a flat form of the needle on his tail, except bendy. Because of its bendiness, for lack of a better word, the very tip and the sides are the sharpest part of them, and slashes sideways instead of downwards._

_You would think that would be awkward, but he's mastered it quite well. So, clip the nails sideways if you can manage to do it. I would recommend drugging him. Oh, yes, it's a boy. You should feel better about that, the females of all of the species that were mixed in him are a little bit more... __**feisty**__, hehe. Mmm, don't tell the fairies that. They come up into Heaven to recieve more healing powers from the Goddesses after they heal people, and they'd probably hunt me down if they figured out what I had written._

_For a bed, well, it'll steal yours for sure. Don't worry, when it falls asleep, it does so for at least thirteen hours to make up for the time it spent wreaking havoc, fifteen at most. It's safe to share, and it creates a little bonding between you. It may end up destroying less of your stuff._

_To tire it out, give it an aerial obstacle course to fly around in. It loves flying, but make sure to set up some flame resistant dummies in it as toys, too. It loves to destroy things. Oh, and it also loves little forts. Give it a box-no, a chest. He'll destroy the box. Tip the chest over sideways, he'll love it." _

"Why flame resistant dummies..?" His question was soon answered as he read the bottom portion of the letter.

"_Btw, it can spit fire by breathing gasses from pores in its throat and creating a spark by swiping the metalic part of the tip of its tongue against its teeth. Oh, and no matter what, DO NOT GIVE IT ANYTHING SPICY. Good luck!"_

Link's eye twitched. He started hyperventilating when another portion of the page folded out.

_"Oh, by the way, I was exaggerating. He's actually relatively lazy, and doesn't do too much moving unless it's to chase a squirrel or a bug. For some reason, it hates tiny land creatures. I would still reccomend using all of these precautions, however, to preoccupy it from chasing people's toes. Remember that comment I made in my previous letter? Yes, he eats toes. He think's they're huge worms. Perhaps you can train him to think otherwise. Oh, and you get to name him. Tata!"_

He could feel a vein pop out of his head on the brink of explosion. Slowly, the critter slipped through his arms, landing on the ground with a small 'plop'. It sat on its hind legs, licking its forelegs and using it to scrub its face. It then yawned, curled by Link's feet, and took a nap.

Slowly, Link crinkled up the paper to a ball in his hands. He began to shrink into himself with irritation.

He froze up in his slow-mo implosion suddenly when he heard a noise. It sounded like someone hitting a wooden surface from a few feet... And it came from inside his house.

He remained still until he heard another thud.

"Ah! Oh, what was that?! Huh..? Paper?" A female voice grumbled inside of his home, having _just _woken up. And it was nearing one in the afternoon.

Link moaned pathetically, grabbing the little bundle and trudging into his house that was literally carved out of a tree. The little puffball squeaked in surprise from being woken up so abruptly and so quickly. He yelped again as Link slammed the door open.

"Deadaleta! I blame this on you!" A girl blinked slowly on the ground as she registered his voice. Her hair was a dark, tree bark brown, her eyes a slate blue. With her round face and small stature, she looks like a sixth grader, but you bet your apples that she's a teen. She's the typical pale you'd expect from all stereotypical fanfiction authors. She looked up groggily from where she sat on the floor, a piece of crumpled up paper in hand. Registering that it's only Link, she waves lazilly and turns around to see him.

"Huh? Why? It's not my fault you got some random beast pregnant and had it spit out that... cute... little abomination... of Hell... Awwww, what is it? What is it?! LEMME SEE!" Suddenly bursting out of her sleepy reverie, she jumped up and rushed over to him, invading his personal space as much as she could without disturbing the small creature. Somehow, it worked.

"Okay, okay! Take it! And I'm NOT into bestiality!" She cuddled it in her arms as if it were the most precious treasure in the world, softly cooing to it and lightly scratching its tiny belly.

"Oh, Linky, it'd be bestiality even if you were bedding a human because of your other form~!" She says while cooing to the creature, making it sound like a mother talking to her baby boy about a very... frightening concept. "Ooodoodoo~! Woosoowoosoo," she continues in a lightest voice anyone has ever heard in her voice. So she had a slight maternal side, it's natural for females!

"So, uh... Since we're burdened with this _thing, _what will we call it?" For simplicity's sake, we'll call the girl Aleta now. And she's glaring at him. It wouldn't be very terrifying if she weren't an author. "Eh... Ehehehe... What?!"

"_Him. _Not _it._ And, since it's a boy, I was thinking something along the lines of... Ari?" She looks questioningly at him, searching for an answer. He just nods, tossing a "whatever" in her direction. She bristles at this. She watches for a little while as he climbs down his ladder, then smirks.

"_**HEY."**_

He froze up in the middle of saddling his horse.

"Don't you dare..."

_**"HEY."**_

"I'm warning you! I can turn into a wolf and eat you up! I swear I'll do i-"

_**"LISTEN!"**_

He screams a manly scream(cough), galloping away into the village, away from the she devil. She laughs heartily, bending over slightly with the bundle still in her hands. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she steps back inside and crawls into the bed she ordered for herself, under the one she ordered for him(with his money). She had his placed on the top floor, right next to the window, while she slept on the floor just beneath it, so she was careful as she climbed the ladder with the small kit in her arms.

She was under the covers with Ari curled up on her stomach, when she froze as she heard what sounded close to a small hiccup. She liften the covers to see two bright, blue eyes staring straight back at her. They are silent a little while, before...

"H... Hhhaaa... Heeeeiiii...?" She gasped in shock. Covering her mouth, she giggled in joy.

"Hey," she whispered slowly. Just as slowly, but surely, he whispered it back.

"Liiii... sten?" She said this in the form of a question, tilting her head to the side a little.

"Leh... Lih... Lih-san? Lih-san!" Aleta clapped her hand lightly in joy, giggling while Ari continued to whisper its own version of the word 'listen'. She pet its head lightly to get it to stop before it became too loud, then pulled the covers over her head.

"'Night, Ari."

0000

A piercing yelp bites through the morning air as Link saddles up early to do his job. The birds in nearby trees scatter, and the squirrels run up to the highest point in the trees the birds were previously in. Even the little bugs burrow back into their holes.

Ari's bright, wide eyes float not an inch away from Aleta's face as he gives little 'myuu's in confusion, tilting his head from side to side. Link is sitting on Epona, looking over in bewilderment as to what caused the young authoress to scream in broad daylight with nothing even remotely scary around... Except for, well, Ari. And he's not really that scary.

Aleta hops up and down on her feet a little, biting her lip a bit.

"Oh, crap, oh gosh, you actually think my name is 'listen'! No! Agh!"

"PFFFT-!" Link snorted as he covered his mouth, failing in stopping his laughter. Aleta tilts her head to the side in confusion.

"What?" He snorts again, doubling over and nearly _falling _over.

"Hehehe... H-h-h... hhaaah... _Listen! _Hey, Listen! How you doin'? Shut up and _listen! _Hey! Listen! Hey! Hey! Listen! Hahahahaha!"

"WATCH OUT! A stick," she mock screams as she throws a thick branch at him, knocking him out. His head slowly drips with blood as he slides off of his horse, landing face first into the dirt with his feet still leaning on her sides, creating a strange slope. Epona merely snorts. Aleta laughs awkwardly, snapping her fingers and willing the wound to heal. She looks over to Ari.

"Just, uh... He'll come to in a couple of hours." She looks around, searching for any witnesses. Then, still watching the streets, she hoists Ari into her arms, and slowly departs into Link's home and crawling into bed. Looking to the small kitten-like thing that rests on her stomach once again, she laughs nervously. "Uh... Wanna play cards?" She pulls a pack of cards out of nowhere, only to have a ball of red and purple fire spat at it. She sighs, looking at the wall next to her.

"I hate cards, too..."


	2. MY EFFING HOUSE, Goes the Linky!

"HOLY SHIH TZU PUPPIES!"

"OOOOEEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_**IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!**_"

"The fire! THE FIRE!"

"This is what you get for trapping it in the chest to avoid having my story published! IT MELTED THE DAMN CHEST. I really freaking liked that chest. It was pretty, one of my favorite shades of blue! And it's the only one in your house, so now I'll have to import one from the nearest dungeon! You suck. Also, your house is on fire. As well as the whole damn forest, but who's complaining about that?" Link stared in horror at the flames that swallowed his house whole, engulfing a good portion of the rest of the forest in a blazing orange inferno. His mouth was hung open, twitching as if he wanted to say something, but was not capable of finding the right words to describe the situation.

Flying around in a panicked frenzy was a black little creature that we had decided to call a Chimera Minor. It may not have a snake tail, or multiple heads, or something else of another thing like you would expect, but it's still a mixture of several monster species... and fairy DNA.

All of the villagers came out to see what the racket was, and the majority of the adults had the same exact expression as Link. Paralyzed, seeing but not seeing. Uli and Rusl immediatly went to their house to remove it of any valuables in case the fire extended to the village. Talo was mesmerized by the fire, staring it like a moth who had its legs glued to the floor that longed to fly towards the light. Beth screamed and ran back to her house and locked herself in. Colin was hiding behind Link. Malo was still in Kakariko, but stared at the smoke on the horizon with his usual creepy stare.

"What... What happened, Link?" Mayor Bo walked up to the two "roommates", keeping a wary eye on Aleta. She rubbed her head in an awkward manor. Once upon a time, little chibi authoress used her author powers to turn Ilia into the ugly duckling and trapped her in a bird's cage that mysteriously appeared in a puff of smoke, recalling the story to Ari while she squawked away, so Bo wasn't so happy with her.

She turned her back, but now she has a duck's tail and webbed feet. That gave Bo no reason to pick her out to be the bad guy, or so she would say. She nonchalantly gestured to the black ball of fuzz that swirled about chaotically, much like a fly.

"Blame it on a little 'gift' Link received the day before, and Link commiting animal abuse!" Link snapped out of his shocked state and immediatly turned on her, grinding his teeth.

"What the Hell?! That's not abuse! I just wanted some peace, and it wouldn't shut up! That, and I don't like the idea of having everything I do be written down and sent in some form of a messed up story as if I have nothing better to do," he yelled, crossing his arms and blatantly ignoring the fact that his house is on fire.

"Well, now you really _don't,_" Aleta bit back, "because you are officially a _hobo, _and I am _not _going to build that thing back up for you! You get to do it yourself, and I hardlythink that's any fun. You'd be better off getting building services from whoever Malo used to build that broken bridge!" She smirked as steam seemed to rise out of his ears, coupling with the smoke. The smirk fell, though, when she saw Ari faceplant into a tree and fall on his face a few feet from her. Sighing, she went over and picked him up.

"Sorry, we didn't get the note saying that you hate small spaces soon enough. Zant was too busy sharing spells with Koume and Kotake over some fried twilit cuccoo." He actually mentioned that part in the most recent letter they received. She still didn't know why Heaven has twilit cuccoos or a postman that can travel between the spirit boundaries. She was even more shocked when he mentioned the fact that they look like regular cuccoos, only they behaved suspiciously like the ones in OOT Link's time...

Ari cooed slightly as Aleta pet his head, baby talking in a strangely motherly and effective way. A bit of charred paper from one of Link's photos flew into its face, though, and he accidentally inhaled it. Through his nose. You know where this is going, right?

"Fff.. Fffoo... F-f-fff-ha-hack-! _CHOO!"_

"OWW Holy CRAP fire _HURTS!"_ Aleta hissed as quietly as her willpower could muster. Thank God she was a flincher when people sneezed, or her face would have been burned in place of her scorching red hand. "LINK, I'm gonna head to the springs! That was my writing hand, and I can't use my author powers when it's on commission! Take care of the little brat! _Holy mother of all that is french toast and apple juice you suck..."_

She stalked away to the spring, plopping the little bugger on Link's head. As if to mock them, Link's house collapsed in a burning heap the moment she left.

_**"MY %#ING HOUSE!"**_

Elsewhere, several monkeys trapped in the forest temple scream in agony, a skull kid weeps and rages at his burning home, and Faron decides it's about time he got off his ass and actually started protecting to forest or to go get a real job.

000

"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the whirlpool~! Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily... Life belongs to me~! Hhaahhh... I love waffles," she murmured, pushing her recently conjured toy waffle boat with people made of cotton candy inside of it. She tilted her head to the sky, thinking. "Hmmm... Perhaps... no, no... Stupid story plotting. Ahh, I'm weird... I just noticed this now? I'm talking to myself... So? Who cares? Well, I kind of do, since I might be clinically insane... Oh well." She summoned an army of one hundred gummy bears in the sand after typing something in her laptop, which currently sits in her lap. Then she hummed, typed something else, and they spontaneously combusted.

"Gummybears will take over the world... If we eat them, their poisoned sugars with pieces of their souls within will possess your brain as they are taken there through your blood stream, and take over your body, rendering any of your commands useless... Then, dominating the world... I must stop them." Unfortunately, her dad likes to by gummybear bags that contain way too many of them. Yes, those unnecessarily huge five pound bags. She liked to think that his sarcasm and hatred towards everything in a scarily humorous way would either scare them away, or send them off crying.

Aleta's brain was at least thrice as scary... Nah, twelve times.

"Twelve times eleventy-two," she mumbled randomly. Well, who knows where that came from. Her mind was a bottomless abyss that had random junk being tossed into it at random times. So, because of her strange brain, she was able to eat and exterminate gummy bears often. Unfortunately, the red and green ones were free to go. She didn't like the taste of those, but that's where her dad came in.

She stood up, laptop in hand, and walked back to the village, ignoring the raging inferno around her. She had a little surprise for the hero...

00LAZYTRANSITIONOFTWILIANAPPLES00

Link had the sudden urge to try a Twilian apple, if that even existed. He shrugged it off, having better things to do.

He had just finished... tying up some loose ends when he heard a loud and unwanted voice bellow out his name.

"What is it now, Aleta?" She turned the corner and saw him by the rock in the center of the village, her face expressionless, before she stopped abruptly at what she saw.

"... Ari's mouth is tied shut and his tail is tied to his side."

"I've noticed."

Awkward silence. The villagers stared, wondering what will happen next. Aleta stared. Link stared back. Aleta looked unimpressed, Link glaring heatedly at her. Ari just wandered to a patch of flowers, rolled on his back, and took a nap.

"... Oh yeah. You're getting it." She turned on her heel and sped out to what remained of Link's house, the owner running up to her side.

"Getting what, exactly?" She ignored him, keeping her attention fixated onto the pile of charred wood. She hummed to herself, deep in thought. A few seconds passed. "Aleta, getting _what?"_ Link asked, his voice slightly panicked. This girl came up with weird stuff, and if she thought of something vile...

She snapped her fingers. She walked over to a nearby tree and sat down, unfolding her laptop. She typed in a few words, Link coming over and peering over her shoulder. His eyebrows drew together as he attempted to translate the strange foreign letters, as they were actually a blander version of Hylian letters. He voiced what he read slowly.

"Then, out of nowhere, a fortune cookie fell from the sky and landed in the charred remains of..." He turned to his house and robotically approached the ladder. He ignored the flames as he climbed up and entered his house, dodging all of the flames. He snapped out of his reverie when he stepped before a lone, cream colored, crescent shaped cookie. He looked down, spotted it and picked it up, shrugging. He cracked it open. His eyes sort of squinted as he read.

"'You are about to be crushed by a giant barrel'... What the-AH!" He screeched as a gargantuan barrel appeared overhead in a puff of smoke. He darted out quickly, tripping a little on the way, and jumped. He landed painfully on his side, too panicked to do a barrel roll(haha, sorry). He flinched violently as he heard a deafening crash behind him, then the sound of... Water?

He didn't have time to contemplate what he heard as he was swept away by a wave of liquid, being thrown back into the village. He flailed dramatically when he got up, once again by the rock and the little black fuzzball nearby. Coughing and sputtering, he looked down at his sopping wet clothes. What he didn't expect was that they were slightly tinted brown, and he felt sticky. Incredibly sticky. Bugs that landed on him stuck, as well as whatever particles were in the air, making it worse.

And he sounded like bubbles. Tiny little bubbles rapidly popping, as well as the small brown pools around him. Aleta appeared around the corner again, perfectly dry.

"What the-how the-why the-huh?" Link stuttered as she passed by, picking up Ari and removing the rope that tied his mouth shut and his tail to his side. She calmly shrugged as Link continued to stutter, flabbergasted.

"I used my author powers to teleport out of the way. By the way, that was a barrel of rootbeer, not beer. Can you tell the kid that so he'll stop licking the ground in an attempt to try to figure out what being drunk feels like? It's gross," she says, petting the creature's wings. Talo was bent over a pool of root beer on the ground, not caring that horses have previously crapped on the road he was licking.

Link sighed. _'Someone end my life already, I think I'd enjoy Zant's company more than this...'_

**00**

**... I like rootbeer. It's yummy... *takes sip from A&W* I also like dried ramen.**

**Well, that was depressingly short. *googles depressingly awesome* AH! A kid that looks like a Yu-Gi-Oh character uses that as a catch phrase! CHANGE!**

**... Disappointingly short. Never using 'depressingly' again.**

**Could've been a lot better, I sort of rushed to push it out.**

**Eh, I think I'm just going to get rid of this little skitzit some time soon. Don't have enough time to work on it... Heck, I don't even have enough time for any of my ACTUAL stories, let alone starting up a small crappy parody like this. Sheesh. It's so sad. I mean, really. I wonder where my sense of humor and motivation has gone. :p**


End file.
